Kat’s Corner

Thanks to my friend Drew, I have finally decided to tell my story. It’s time we all stop hiding behind cancer… time we stopped living in silence. It’s time we stand and shout it out. It’s time we fought back loud and long. It’s time we win this epic battle once and for all.

I started college as a single mom in the fall of 1999. I enrolled at our local community college, forgot what the word sleep means, loaded up on student loans and credit hours… and somehow managed to pull off nothing but As at the end of that first semester. Two weeks later, I received an invitation to join our chapter of Phi Theta Kappa International Honor Society. I thought “Whoo! Scholarships!” and joined immediately. I attended a meeting just a few days later, to get an idea of what was in store for me. I had no idea that night would change my life in so many ways.

Phi Theta Kappa is built around four cornerstones: Scholarship, Leadership, Fellowship and Service. A heavy emphasis is placed on service work. This intrigued me, as I had always done community service when I had the time, or was able to find something in my area to participate in. At the end of that meeting, I was nominated to be the chapter Secretary, and accepted. We were busy planning a trip to Nashville in April, in order to attend the International PTK Conference. The college was to pay for Officer expenses, so I jumped at the opportunity.

I sat in a beautiful conference room at the Grand Old Oprey Hotel on the night of April 16th, 2000 with thousands of others. We were anxious, waiting for PTK to unveil the new International Service Project… most of our chapter service work would be centered around this for the next year. A few moments later, in front of all of those people, I completely fell apart. I sobbed uncontrollably, while people I had never met before wrapped their arms around me, or laid a hand on my back. You see, our service project was to be a partnership with the American Cancer Society. That night marked only six weeks since the night I lost my hero – my oldest brother Jimmy – to his own cancer battle.

I threw myself into the service work. We raised money. We gave rides to treatments. We organized blood drives. Anything and everything I could think of, we did. I dragged my daughters along to the Relay for Life – something us girls still participate in all these years later. I have become complacent and content with this, thinking that’s all I needed to do. I was helping raise money – doesn’t that fulfill my obligation? Oh, how wrong I have been.

Jimmy first realized something was wrong in the early 90s. I honestly cannot remember now when it first began. All of those years blur together at times. He had a large lump on the side of his neck. You’ll immediately think of Hodgkins.. but it wasn’t. He had some rare form of Testicular cancer that actually shows up in the neck area, instead of the testicles. I’d have to call and wake up my mom to find out the technical name of it, and I’m not THAT dumb! It’s 5am after all.

So anyway, the cycle began. Tests, treatments, chemo, radiation, pills, injections, surgeries. “Oh that surgery went well. We got it all. Come back in six months”. Six months later, they discovered “OOPS”, they in fact missed some, and it had spread. Years of the same followed, including flying across the country to try experimental treatments.

In November of 1999, Jimmy was told that the cancer had spread to his brain, his blood, his bones, and nearly all of his organs. It was at that point that he decided to call it quits on all treatment, and focus his remaining time on being at home, with all of us. Hospice came to help, and he stayed home until the night we lost him, on March 8th, 2000.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss him. There’s not a day that I’m not still pissed off that he’s gone. I’m angry – and I have a right to be. Instead of sitting here, QUIETLY raising money once a year… I should be out in the World. I should be telling people what happened. I should be screaming it at the top of my lungs. I should be doing something – anything – to help make people aware.

We shouldn’t suffer quietly. We shouldn’t think of Cancer as a dirty word. We should be out there, getting in Cancer’s face, and kicking it in the ass. We shouldn’t be meek and mild. We should roar, and yell and throw things at it. We should fight long and hard.

Thank you, Drew. Thank you for having the guts to spit in the eye of this stupid-assed disease. Thank you for standing up and showing me (and so many others) that having been touched so deeply by Cancer isn’t something to be ashamed or afraid of. Thank you for remembering to laugh – every damn day – even when it hurts and sucks. Thank you, Drew… for being you. Keep fighting the good fight. I love ya, my friend.

Whether or not you feel MJ was a “bad” person – you simply cannot deny the impact he had on the music industry. I’ve had a ton of emotions rush through my head today since learning of his death. These emotions brought back countless memories of my teen years, dancing around with my friends to the songs from the Thriller album.

Michael was a troubled person emotionally for most of his life. Before we condemn him, let’s reflect upon what his life was like. He was emotionally, verbally and physically abused growing up. He rocketed to superstar-dom in a very short period of time, which in itself is enough to make any sane person a little nutso. Countless people tried – with many succeeding – to take advantage of him, simply because of who he was. He became reclusive, withdrawing more and more into himself.

Earlier tonight, I was adamant in my belief that he did in fact molest those children that he was found not guilty of hurting. I went so far in my argument, that I ended up hurting my fiancee, and snapping at him. (I’m sorry again, baby) I went on and on about how he was an awful person, one who had done so many crazy and stupid things.

And then, I watched the old We are the World video. I sat remembering what the world was like then, and what a huge impact that one song (and those people) had on us all. I remember holding hands with complete strangers during the “Hands Across America” link. I remembered the good things that Michael did with his life.

I then began to watch old videos of his, things from MY era… Billie Jean… Beat It… Thriller… Man in the Mirror… wow. How can anyone deny what a legend that man was when it came to music?

It’s not my place to judge Michael Jackson, or anyone else in this life. I am very disappointed in myself for doing so. I prefer, instead, to remember that Michael was once an iconic figure, one who changed the way I looked at music. I prefer to remember the good things he did. I prefer to remember that he had a horrible – yet amazing – life.

No matter what you thought of him, or think of him still, Michael has now found peace. Gone are the crowds. No more are the people trying to take advantage of him so that they can gain money or fame. Washed away are all the accusations from the past. He can rest now, and let his memories… the GOOD memories… live on for the rest of our lives and beyond.

Rest in peace, MJ.

This is absolutely not going to be yet another sappy blog post. “Oh boo hooo how could they divorce?” Give me a break. This divorce is the best news I’ve heard in months!

I actually watched the show once, and “hear” it often. My daughter likes it, for some odd reason. I admit the kids are absolutely adorable, and I feel very sorry for them for having her for a mother. Kate comes across loud and clear – she’s a neurotic, obsessive, controlling bitch. She is condescending to Jon, treating him like completely garbage. She doesn’t “mother” those kids – she uses them as cash cows. Why do you think they don’t respond well to her on the show? She is rarely there, that’s why, other than to tape the shows. She’s too busy promoting herself, and selling her children to the world over and over.

I can only hope that somehow, some way, these kids come out of all of this unscathed. I’m sure that’s not going to be the case, sadly. Their lives will be more disrupted and torn apart than they already are. Oh, and I sure as hell hope Jon files for full custody, as well.

Believe me, I know I am damaged. I know that my brain doesn’t work quite right, and likely never will again. I know that I don’t see things the way others do, and I try every day to overcome that. I try so hard to be normal and make my brain stop being stupid. Many of you understand these things about me. You know the hell I have survived. You know what I have come through to get to where I am today.

Yes, I am a strong woman. Yes, I am a good person. Yes, I work hard. Yes, I am a good friend/mom/gramma/employee/etc. Some even go so far as to say I am beautiful on the inside. That is a wonderful compliment, and one I am proud to accept.

Why is it that isn’t enough? Why do I torment myself to this day over the physical? Is it the way I was brought up, always being teased and ostracized? Is it the mental abuse my ex heaped on me during our marriage? Is it the looks and sneers and rude comments I regularly receive from others? Is it all of these things rolled together? Why is it I am so obsessed with how I look? Why can’t *I* be happy with myself?

I know it’s not my fault I look the way I do. I love those people who ASSume I sit on my arse and eat all day long to look the way I do. I love the ones who snicker behind their hand and think that I am lazy. The fact of the matter is, there is nothing I can do to change how I look, short of having very invasive surgery (gastro bypass type). Any of you have the money lying around to pay for that? If so, shoot it my way. I’d be quite happy to go under that knife, let me tell you.

Yes, I’m being vain. Yes, I’m whining because of how I look. So what? Why does it make me a bad person because it hurts me deeply knowing that people turn away from me due to my body? Why does it make me stupid and shallow for being mortified when my daughter is ashamed to take me to the swimming pool or mall with her because of what her friends will say? Why does it make me ignorant because I simply want to look “NORMAL” for once?

You’re all going to sigh now, and lecture me. You’re going to remind me that being beautiful inside is more important. You’re shaking your heads collectively, and thinking of what to comment here, to tell me how much you love me. I know you do, and I’m very happy about it.

I don’t know how to explain it.

I want to look good. I want to have people look twice and NOT be laughing. I want to hold my head high when I go out into public. I want to be able to look into a mirror and think “wow, I look nice today”. I want my sweetheart to be able to sweep me off my feet, knowing he cannot keep his hands off of me because he thinks I’m beautiful and sexy. I want to FEEL good again. I want my body not to hurt. I want my back to be magically fixed. I want my knees and ankles to stop having sharp pain when I try to walk much. I want my neck to not be degenerating. I want to be able to take Jenna and Kenzie to the park and run with them. I want to go to the swimming pool and actually be able to swim a lap or ten. I want to go hiking! I want to …

I want to fix my stupid brain, and stop caring so damn much what the world thinks. I want to not worry if they will think less of me because of my body, instead of looking inside to see my mind and soul. Does it make me a bad person because I sometimes wish that the outside was pretty damn awesome, too?

I’ll freely admit that up until now, I have always had a case of “star worship” for most “famous” people. I’d be willing to wager that a very large percentage of “normal” people are the same way. Let’s face it… we look at actors, musicians and sports personalities as something other than “normal”. We may wish to be like them. We may be jealous of their fame, money and lifestyle. We may even think that we could do better than them in some cases.

I know that for me, I’ve always had a fascination of sorts with so-called “stars”. Yes, there were those that I didn’t believe ever deserved their fate in life – the ones who act like asses simply because they can. But for the most part, I would read the magazines and websites and think that they were just in a completely different world than what I am. I don’t know how to explain it, really, but I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

This all changed drastically for me within the past week. Due to my job, I have become social/casual friends with a former professional wrestler, who now does podcast work and such. I admit it (shamefully!!) – my jaw dropped when he replied to my initial email with a “hey, whey don’t you Skype me?”. I sat here thinking “OMG I can’t talk to him! He’s FAMOUS”. You have to realize that I have been a closet wrestling fanatic for most of my life. I watched this man on television for years, alternately cheering him on and booing him (sorry Michael!), depending on what he was up to on the show. I wasn’t connected to him in any way – he was on tv after all! He was one of the “famous” people.

I’m good at my job, and I love what I do. Naturally, I calmed myself down and talked to the guy on Skype later that day. Since then, we’ve conversed quite a few times via email and IM – and yes, he knows my phone number (and I his!). So what has changed?

Michael isn’t “famous”. Sure, he’s been on television a few kabillion times. Sure, he is a podcaster, and a Twitter fanatic like me… even if he does have a few bazillion more followers than I do. But there’s something I just hadn’t ever thought of before. He’s also a human being. He’s a funny and sweet guy. He makes mistakes at times, just like I do. He gets up in the morning with bad hair days at times, just like I do. He has bad days. He sits home and Geeks out at times, rather than going out to some fancy restaurant. He’s just – NORMAL.

“Stars” are no different than I am. Sure, they may make more money and they may have more people following what they do than me… but at the end of the day, they’re just people too.

When you look at me, what do you see? Go ahead, be honest. If you didn’t (or don’t) know anything about me, what would your reactions be? What would you think I do for a living, or in my spare time? What would you think my past has been like, or my present? How would you categorize – or judge – me?

I bet you’d never in a million years guess what I do for a living. Who would believe from looking at me that I am a tech writer and community manager for Chris Pirillo? I bet you’d also never guess that for four years now, I have been an Administrator for a computer help site, where I also teach malware removal. Heck, you’d likely not guess I am a four-year Microsoft MVP for Windows Security.

I bet you’d not know from looking at a picture of me that I have been hurt emotionally and physically in ways that are at times too awful to think about, let alone write. You wouldn’t figure out that I not only survived those times, but that they made me a stronger and better person. You would definitely never be able to guess that I am a sports fanatic, an avid fisherwoman, a lover of good books and fine wine, a closet pro-wrestling fanatic, and an animal lover.

How could you possibly guess any of these things? After all – you don’t know me, remember? You can’t put a person in a pigeon-hole if you don’t know a thing about them. So why is it that we all do this? Why do we as humans insist on summing up a person based on what we SEE, instead of taking the time to actually find out who they are? Why are we that shallow?

I try very hard to never do this. Do I succeed? Yes, much of the time I do. However, I’m human, and imperfect as the rest of you are. You see, I AM that person that people judge and dismiss simply with a look at what is on the outside. They have no clue how many layers there are to me on the inside, or what type of person I am. They don’t know that my brain is actually pretty smart, and that my IQ is considered “genius” level. They cannot figure out by looking at me that I am funny and sweet, loyal as hell to those I love… and a bitch on wheels to any who try to hurt my friends or family. Knowing what it’s like to be judged this way, I go out of my way to try and never do this to others.

Judging a book by its cover is not a smart thing to do. You just never know what awesome person you’ll miss out on knowing by not taking time to give them a chance.

I have been involved with the Relay for Life for many years now. I lost my big brother – my hero – to cancer several years ago. Many other family members have fought the fight, as well. Some of us have won… and some weren’t so lucky.

Won’t you please consider helping our team to raise money for this beautiful event? The money you donate could help save a life, or make the quality of life for those currently fighting that much better.

Thank you for anything you can do to help.

Awhile ago, I wrote two blog posts that hinted at my beliefs. I’ve never made secret the fact that I am a Witch, and have been for more than ten years now. I’ve written about religious tolerance, and I’ve written asking whether someone can be ‘wrong’ because of their beliefs. I’ve known and accepted for years that there is much ignorance surrounding the Wiccan path. For the most part, I’ve learned that for some… it’s a real fear that causes them to not WANT to understand. They assume that being a Witch makes me evil, and they just don’t want to know. For most people, they know only what they’ve heard from others, watched in a movie, or maybe read in a book. As we know with any subject, those aren’t always the best ways to learn.

I don’t expect anyone to study Wicca, just so they can understand me. I don’t expect that people will want to come out and ask me “hey… what is it you believe in?”. However, a little while ago, a friend of mine asked me “Do you celebrate today?”. I was confused, so I asked him what he meant. He was referring to Friday the 13th. He honestly thought it was a holiday for me, being Wiccan. I wasn’t even sure how to respond to that at first. It jumbled my thoughts, and made me very sad to realize that many of my friends and family members honestly have no clue what it is I believe in. So, if you actually want to take the time to know, I will tell you some of the basics.

• An it Harm None, Do What Thou Wilt This is the rule by which Wiccan’s live. “Harm None” includes yourself, as well as other living beings, and the planet itself. It is the responsibility of each person to look at their actions and their intentions and decide if harm will be done.
• Threefold Return and Karma The Law of Threefold Return says that whatever you do returns to you times three… good or bad. Karma is what comes of that law in action. Karma isn’t punishment. It’s simply a balancing out of what you yourself have earned via your own actions.
• Responsiblity for Your Own Actions You have the sole responsibility for your words and deeds, for how you choose to live your life, and how you react to what happens to you. We do not believe in a “devil” who makes us act wrongly, nor do we believe that we only have to say “I’m sorry” and everything is all better either. The best way to make amends for harming someone is to admit to the person you were wrong and to ask them how you can make it up to them.
• Reincarnation Most Wiccans believe in reincarnation in some form. Whether or not we all believe that our souls return as plants and animals, or just as humans, is debated among different groups. But we do believe that we return, again and again, to learn our life’s lessons on this physical plane. Nature teaches us that nothing ever truly dies, but that it keeps returning, perhaps in another form. So death holds less sting for us, as we believe that we will live and love the same people again. We will miss them for a time, and then be rejoined.
• Duality of Deity We believe in male and female energies in our deity, both God and Goddess. Also, nothing is ever all good or all bad, and our deities contain creative as well as destructive forces in them. Nothing new gets created without something being destroyed first, this is the balance of the Universe.
• All Dieties are as One You may hear many Wiccans use different God or Goddess names. Let me explain it this way: you may be a mother, an employee, a sister, a daughter, and a wife, and you will act differently in each of those roles; yet you are one person. Just as you will have different attributes depending on the title you are called, so do the Gods and Goddesses. Since God/dess is ALL, we can call upon whatever attribute or name we need at the time, knowing that this is but a small part.
• Sacredness of all Life If deity is within all life, then it follows that all life is sacred, doesn’t it? Remember that animals and plants are also the Goddesses’ creatures, and deserve to be acknowledged and thanked for their sacrifices. Honor can be a simple thank you, or watering a plant you see on the side of the road that needs a drink, or maybe picking up trash that someone else carelessly dumped somewhere. Honoring the earth as our mother goes along with this concept.
• Sabbats/Holidays The “Wheel of the Year” has eight spokes, designating the four major agricultural festivals, and the four minor solar festivals for the solstices and equinoxes. Many Witches consider the day as beginning at sundown, and ending at sundown the following day. You can find an excellent but brief description of each of these Sabbats on Francesca’s Site.

If you actually took the time to read this – thank you. It means you care enough and love me enough to want to understand what I believe in. You may not believe as I do, and that’s ok. I don’t ask that you do. All I ask is that you are considerate of what I believe, and don’t try to change me.

Blessed Be

Are you kidding me? Nadya Suleman, the woman who recently gave birth to octuplets, is on Food Stamps. She is unemployed, as well. She already had six other children – who were also the result of In-Vitro Fertilization. This brings her total number of kids up to 14, if you’re counting. Oh! But wait! She plans to go back to school this fall, to study counseling. She’s going to support those kids with student loans… and Food Stamps, of course. She says that once she graduates “in a couple of years”, she’ll be able to support them. Let’s look at this from where I’m sitting, ok?

1. Counseling may be a good calling for her. It may even pay fairly well in her state. However, without a doctorate and a lucrative practice, I still don’t see her making nearly enough to support 14 children.

2. Support them on student loans?! HAH! Have you seen the maximum amount you can borrow each year, lady? Of course, she’s likely going to school for free, via Pell Grants and such. So the loans will go to support them… Not happening… that’s all I’ll say about that.

3. There are investigations into why so many embryos were implanted in her both times. However… here is what the REAL question should be:

How the hell did a woman with no job, living on Food Stamps, PAY for IVF? And WHY

Something is seriously wrong here. She had enough money to pay to have those babies implanted inside of her. Yet she cannot afford food for the six kids she already had? Am I the only person thus far to wonder this kind of thing? I am sitting here, working my ass off to support ONE child at this point… and my tax dollars are now going to help her support 14 of them… eight of whom she magically came up with money to get pregnant with while already living off of our tax dollars!!

ARGH!

While I was in Bangor, Maine, I stayed at the Days Inn. I had a very nice room, which was clean and comfortable. I had a King-sized bed, a couch and chair, desk.. dresser, armoire, and even a refrigerator. The room itself was much larger than any normal hotel room, which made my stay much more comfortable.

One of the main reasons I chose this hotel over others is that previous customers had rated the wireless Internet connection as “one of the best”. This was important to me, as my work is done online. I have to have a good connection in order to upload and download Chris’ videos. From the first night, however, I had issues. I was blocked from the Internet entirely on three separate occasions, despite speaking to the hotel manager AND a manager with the Internet provider. Once I explained who I was, who I work for, and what I needed to do, they kept assuring me that I would not have further issues with being blocked from access. How untrue!

On New Year’s Eve, I was supposed to be the hostess of a fundraiser for the WyldRyde IRC Network. I was to watch Chris’ live stream, and participate over it via Ventrilo. However, my connection was lagging so badly that I couldn’t even talk to anyone. Everything I said didn’t go out over the stream for up to a minute after it was spoken. I can’t work that way! I can’t hostess that way! I finally gave up, after numerous attempts at trying to make the connection more stable/faster/stronger/BETTER.

During a ten-day stay, I was only able to actually do my work four of the days. That is incredibly bad, and I’m very unhappy about it. Yet the hotel still charged me their $110.00 per night rate. I complained repeatedly. I spoke at length with the manager about why I had chosen their hotel, and why I HAD to have a better connection, without fear of being blocked. I sat in her office as she called someone with the ISP and spoke to them on my behalf. That didn’t do me any good, either.

Sadly, I didn’t receive a single dollar’s worth of credit, nor any free nights to compensate. I wasn’t even given so much as an apology. So, even though everything else about this hotel was great – I would never recommend it to anyone who needs to get online for any reason. Getting (and staying!) connected while on the road these days is very important to so many of us. Hotels need to get their act together, and realize that they need to provide a MUCH better service towards this end.